I apologize for the weeks off here, I’ve been at war with some pesky self doubt and apathy which immobilizes me from doing anything positive for myself….what I can squeeze out during these times is enough for my child and husband to not notice me suffering, and for the sustaining of everyday “normalcy”. Whew….such battles ensue when my demons decide I’m too productive and peaceful and hence come after my little psyche with brilliant aim and brutal force. They seek to undo everything good I do, think and interpret, they’ve been after me my whole life and managed to lead me down the darkest alleys on the meanest streets. I’ve seen all the attractions that girls from broken homes visit and either make it out alive or don’t. The exile from the peer groups, the pedophiles, the abusive boyfriends, the strip clubs, the prostitution……the soul for sale, and yes I was one of the lucky few who survived it all, and it was gratitude riding the big white horse, I just didn’t know it then. How close was I to ending up dead in a hotel room somewhere I guess I’ll never know.
Here I am at 51 and a half, raising a 9 year old with my husband. We are by most people’s standards, just scraping by,and I dare say, I know I’ll be working at my grocery store job until I die. We own nothing, and what is around the corner is something we don’t acknowledge for fear of……..fear mostly. I can look around me and see that we live in the worst building on the street, and that I dress in Goodwill chic, and my kid doesn’t have a tablet or iphone6 . I do that sometimes and my demons jump up to eagerly meet me at the corner of “You don’t belong here” and “they’re all laughing at you” boulevards.That’s where I’ve been the last few weeks. Summer is never my season, and the end of summer always is the worst. But it was fucking better than last year and that’s due to gratitude,some amazing family and the love that is here in this place I call home. If you haven’t gathered, we’re the strugglers living on easy street with the rich people. More on all the fun there later.
Let’s talk gratitude in real terms here. What is in the top five blessings I count every morning before I start my workday? MY HEALTH. Never to be taken lightly, even as a confused teenager I didn’t take it lightly. Some part of me must have known that I would be in this situation….faced with raising a teenager in my 50s, that’s all lol. My diet was largely plant based since the mid seventies….I took vegetables, large bulky carrots etc, to school and walked everywhere. I grew up in Hawaii and while the schools weren’t very good and the transients the place attracted brought plenty of drugs and deviants my way, the outdoor lifestyle was a huge contributing factor to my continuing good health today. 
So let’s get down to the business of change. No matter how or where you grew up, what your current emotional state is, what your financial situation is, if you’re able to gain access to a computer to read this blog….I can help you change your body and improve your health. Oh did I mention I tried to kill myself on a McDonald’s binge in my mid thirties? More on that, and some real starting points to come. I love you all…..will have some recipes later today.
thevegitater 