Hello world, sorry I can’t make eye contact anymore…

The emotional costs of just going outside for a middle aged woman are on the rise. A trip to the store, a stroll down to pick up your kid from school, any venture outside can be a potential  war zo…

Source: Hello world, sorry I can’t make eye contact anymore…


Hello world, sorry I can’t make eye contact anymore…

The emotional costs of just going outside for a middle aged woman are on the rise. A trip to the store, a stroll down to pick up your kid from school, any venture outside can be a potential  war zone for the self worth of a woman who dares live past 45 in western society.Why?

When I was young I never used to understand why women paid so much money for plastic surgery and fat sucking surgery and nose jobs ….insanely expensive skincare regimens that could save you from the unspeakable, getting old and losing your looks……. etc etc etc and why was age so horrible and what was the big emergency?. I didn’t see getting older as a bad thing, why did they? Why were they so insecure?? God, I mean you’re just fighting the inevitable, what’s the point? Relax…..it’s going to be alright, Of course everyone is still going to love you when you’re old, your wisdom will be treasured and your word listened to……. Boy was I wrong.

I get it now. And it’s not exactly a fun thing to get.

I believe it begins with Disney movies. Barring the most recent ones( that were done by female screenplay writers), all the villains were women past their “prime.” Driven to assail the young and beautiful that they no longer are. No history or back story provided, they were just evil because they couldn’t get laid, and that was what made them curse, enslave and ultimately murder the object of their blinding, impaling  envy. Snow White, Cinderella, Sleeping Beauty, The Little Mermaid…..They’ve been pitting the old against the young for generations, and it’s taken hold in spades.

People are dicks to middle aged women, and the cuter they figured you were when you were young, is as much the ferocity of the not so  silent revulsion of their response  to  your weathering. Perhaps the plastic surgery (even though it never actually makes anyone look younger) is a way to say, “Sorry, I’m getting old and I’m just as horrified at me as you clearly are at my heinous crimes upon society, by not being as easy on it’s eyes…. so I’ll spend all this time, money and sweat, I’ll no longer eat the foods I enjoy…. so I can at least show the world I’m trying….trying to adhere to your spare tyred standards ….. to earn your friendly gesture back.” But getting older with no visible signs of surgical intervention, or self imposed starvation, or evidence of logged hours into a gym…. to show that I’m at least trying to play the game???? Now you’re in dangerous waters lady…..believe it. Just a pleasant  glance I might put out for the  mere  sake of respectful acknowledgement and remedial human decency is taken for “Please fuck me, I’m desperate and even a titted fossil like you is better than nothing”.   Yep….and  after you’ve lived past your fleeting beauty, you are now subject to the most overdone and dreadful indifference.  By the people you’d expect it from the least. Ya,  all those garbage men, 7/11 clerks,  balding and paunchy, weren’t just being friendly and decent by returning your smile when you were young,( and smiling at a stranger wasn’t dangerous to your self worth…..) they wanted something . Try to get that smile back from them in your 40s and 50s is going to be a meaty pawed slap in the face.Don’t even try for it….you’ll be sorry.  They will recoil in horror and pretend they didn’t see you, very loudly. It’s hard to fathom the delusion that can overcome a society .


Therefore, I have developed a technique to not put myself in this sort of harm’s way anymore( until I reach my 70s when I will again be loved….for the grandmothers are ok to smile at. None of the peer group will stand in judgement at this ). No more eye contact. That’s it, simple!! I just walk down the street and look through everything with a pleasant meek demeanor. My eyes meet nobody. It’s too dangerous out there for that. I wonder if everyone is just as scared as me and they’re thinking that I will not return a friendly glance, but rather glance down at my iphone for protection instead, leaving their friendliness unrequited and smacked down. It could be that….but I’m too beaten and bruised now, unable to” be the change. “

Evicting stress through gratitude

I apologize for the weeks off here, I’ve been at war with some pesky self doubt and apathy which immobilizes me from doing anything positive for myself….what I can squeeze out during these times is enough for my child and husband to not notice me suffering, and for the sustaining of everyday “normalcy”. Whew….such battles ensue when my demons decide I’m too productive and peaceful and hence come after my little psyche with brilliant aim and brutal force. They seek to undo everything good I do, think and interpret, they’ve been after me my whole life and managed to lead me down the darkest alleys on the meanest streets. I’ve seen all the attractions that girls from broken homes visit and either make it out alive or don’t. The exile from the peer groups, the pedophiles, the abusive boyfriends, the strip clubs, the prostitution……the soul for sale, and yes I was one of the lucky few who survived it all, and it was gratitude riding the big white horse, I just didn’t know it then. How close was I to ending up dead in a hotel room somewhere I guess I’ll never know.

Here I am at 51 and a half, raising a 9 year old with my husband. We are by most people’s standards, just scraping by,and I dare say, I know I’ll be working at my grocery store job until I die. We own nothing, and what is around the corner is something we don’t acknowledge for fear of……..fear mostly. I can look around me and see that we live in the worst building on the street, and that I dress in Goodwill chic, and my kid doesn’t have a tablet or iphone6 . I do that sometimes and my demons jump up to eagerly meet me at the corner of “You don’t belong here” and “they’re all laughing at you”  boulevards.That’s where I’ve been the last few weeks. Summer is never my season, and the end of summer always is the worst. But it was fucking better than last year and that’s due to gratitude,some amazing family and the love that is here in this place I call home. If you haven’t gathered, we’re the strugglers living on easy street with the rich people. More on all the fun there later.

Let’s talk gratitude in real terms here. What is in the top five blessings I count every morning before I start my workday? MY HEALTH. Never to be taken lightly, even as a confused teenager I didn’t take it lightly. Some part of me must have known that I would be in this situation….faced with raising a teenager in my 50s, that’s all lol. My diet was largely plant based since the mid seventies….I took vegetables, large bulky carrots etc, to school and walked everywhere. I grew up in Hawaii and while the schools weren’t very good and the transients the place attracted brought plenty of drugs and deviants my way, the outdoor lifestyle was a huge contributing factor to my continuing good health today. DSCN2970

So let’s get down to the business of change. No matter how or where you grew up, what your current emotional state is, what your financial situation is, if you’re able to gain access to a computer to read this blog….I can help you change your body and improve your health. Oh did I mention I tried to kill myself on a McDonald’s binge in my mid thirties? More on that, and some real starting points to come. I love you all…..will have some recipes later today.

A word on why things are important to us….

DSCN2950Let’s consider an existence in where no importance was placed on our outer selves and we were that highly evolved that we were able to cut straight through at a single glance  to a person’s core, see their soul, their struggle, their beautiful unscarred vulnerabilities,their talents and knowledge, and on the strength of that one tell all glance, give them or not give them the same  seemingly non earned, unconditional approval that we in most cases now do give “attractive” people. (This will be much more difficult to visualize if you live on the west coast like I do.) What might folks be spending their time and hard earned money on in such a climate? More fun I imagine. Fun would probably replace all the money, time and sacrifice  that the huge part of western civilization (though not completely isolated to western countries) are instead currently spending on looking more acceptable on the outside to other humans. How relaxed we might become…..how less hungry might we feel emotionally and ultimately physically when our sub conscience isn’t screaming at us that we’re ugly and can look better the next time we’re seen if we just…….sacrifice a little more. Make it hurt more, be in control more. I lived this way for way too long.

How much more appreciative of our countless blessings might we be if we could shut off the part of our brains that take presiding rolls in our conscience and subconscience (sp) and insist that we still be miserable despite the fact that the idea of even one week’s access to food and clean water, adequate shelter, and a safe school for children (which for many of us has been a given our whole lives) is merely a daydream to roughly 3/4s of the world’s population. And yet we see constant evidence that these people still find ways to be happy. Kept so busy with the demands of the most basic human needs that the diseases of the mind simply cannot  flourish, for never being fed?? Who is free and who is not?

So we could actually find ways to fill ourselves with other forms of nutrition that would calm the spirit and then lift the sub-conscience and then the thought and then the peace and then perhaps the energy that took no food at all to produce.

Gratitude is always a good one. Your demons find you very dull company indeed when you’re engaged in it in any form. It’s certified organic and calorie free.

51 and a half, broke, healthy and happy…..

It took 3/4 of a glass of wine to find a title; I’m pleased with it. It sums up my purpose for starting this blog entirely. That purpose is essentially this….to share my story of physical, emotional and spiritual renewal through the means of self acceptance, optimism and a plant based diet. I also want to share my personal life experiences in an effort to reach out to others that think they’ve hit rock bottom, and may feel like it’s just too hard now to climb back up…..now. If you’re interested in one woman’s story as well as continuing journey, I will spare no newly gained insight, food idea?recipe/tips happy thought or gory detail I promise.

So let’s start with the plant based diet and work backwards through the mission of this blogging (which i just learned how to start with the help of a dear friend).

True vegans are locked into avoiding tiny trace elements of things that could have possibly come from non vegan origins,, as well as no meat, eggs, dairy, fish and honey and I don’t have time to look for all that shit.  So you can’t call me a vegan, in fact because of the drought I’m off the almond milk for a while and I can’t drink coffee black….and that soy shit is gross I think, so a little milk goes in the coffee…etc etc. Little cheats or cheat days….you know. If my purpose for a plant based diet was of a higher type, I guess I would never cheat. As far as that goes, I have gained a lot of awareness about the meat business to put it simply, and if I do eat animal stuff,it’s very sparingly and I buy the expensive (more on expensive later), organic well raised stuff from Wholefoods where I work. So I’m plant based not vegan……….I like Vegitater. And I’m not above toking the odd bowl here and there…I do it legally so it’s fine. I’ve created many of my best vegitater originals this way. The picture is me right before my 50th birthday. No I don’t have a perfect body, there are plenty of flaws, but you know what, I don’t have to fucking kill myself to look this good, and it’s fucking good enough for me. No photo shop either, just a good tan and my sister in law Fay saying “suck in your gut!” I’m 51 and a half now and I look the same. I’ll get a new picture of now. Not that different, my hair’s longer, you’ll see. I don’t go to a gym, I workout at home to my little videos and weights, I walk a lot, I eat tons…just awesome stuff that I’ll tell you how to make that’s in the budget totally because I did mention I was broke right? You have to just relax and tell yourself that you don’t have to explain yourself or your body or your house or your kids to fucking anybody. Get one with yourself and the common sense to treat yourself as you would someone you loved with all your heart will be there when you need it. So you’ll just naturally start making the right choices. It’s not fucking rocket science after all and it should never cost you anything but the cost of your food and your time. Plus my handy tools and tips make it a journey together. So that’s I guess the Mission Statement for now. Think about one animal based food item you might be able to give up for a week….and I’ll be back lol!!

Me at 50
Me at 50